How Raising a Rainbow Baby is Different
After my miscarriage, I promised some higher power that, if I ever got pregnant again, I would never complain. I would get through all those late night feedings and diaper changes with a smile on my face. I would never get frustrated with my baby crying.
Turns out sleep deprivation affects everyone the same, whether or not you’ve been through a loss. Listening to a screaming baby sucks even after a battle with infertility.
What’s not the same is the guilt. I feel so guilty every time I get upset that Anderson won't stop crying. I feel guilty for crying in the middle of the night because I can’t get him back to sleep in his crib. I feel guilty because I have to let him cry during my appointments while I work. I feel guilty that I don’t love every single moment. I feel guilty for just wishing I could get some work done. I feel guilty because I promised myself these were the things I would be able to get through.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Anderson so much. But no, I don’t enjoy when he’s screaming at the top of his lungs for hours. I certainly don’t enjoy when he doesn’t sleep at night, which has been about 98% of our nights thus far. As I’m writing this blog, it’s currently 7:43 p.m. and Anderson has already woken up once. He’s now sitting on my lap watching me type.
I really thought that my loss would prepare me for parenthood and long nights...that it would but this veil of happiness over my face during the tough times. It didn’t….it just increased the amount of guilt I feel for not being able to get through a long night or day without crying. That promise I made to myself that I would never complain was an empty one. A promise I was ultimately unable to keep.