The Obsessive Haze of TTC
I want to tell you about the desperation of infertility. For me, infertility was a time in my life when I grasped onto anything and everything that anyone told me. I was so desperate for answers and solutions, which means that I did and felt some pretty crazy things during those 14 months.
One of my biggest struggles during my journey through infertility and grief was faith. I wasn’t struggling to keep my faith, I just didn’t have any at all and felt as though I ought to based on what other people were telling me. This is not going to be a blog post where I tell you that I found God and all is well. I didn’t find God. I didn’t connect with something or someone higher up.
I spent plenty of time praying to somebody I wasn’t even sure I believed in. I was uncomfortable with my lack of belief and thought I should turn to a possible God to cover all my bases just in case he did exist and could help me get pregnant. I was so convinced I could be one of those Instagram moms who found God, memorized all those verses, and suddenly had a family thrust upon her. I Pinterested scripture related to fertility. I read a Christian book about women going through infertility. I was under the impression that if someone prayed over my womb, I might somehow conceive.
I really struggled when I was told, on more than one occasion, that my miscarriage was a part of God’s plan. That is one of the least comforting things anyone could ever say to someone after a miscarriage. So God wanted my baby to die? Okay, all is good. NO, GIRL, IT’S NOT GOOD. I know that I have done good work with my experience. I have helped countless women through their own miscarriages and infertility battles. I have served as a makeshift therapist to friends who have texted me in the middle of the night. One might argue that these are the reasons why God decided I ought to have a miscarriage. I would argue that I made lemonade out of lemons; I chose to speak up and speak out about my experiences.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I don’t believe there’s no higher power, but I’m also not saying that I do. In a world where there are so many versions of a God, I don’t feel I’m in any position to join one religion and say that religion is the only belief system that has any validity. I saw all of this so clearly once I was pregnant and out of the obsessive haze that had become my life.
I do admire those people who whole-heartedly believe in God and put all faith in ‘him’. Perhaps those individuals suffer with mental health less than I do. Maybe they’re less anxious and managed to go through their own infertility battle without questioning when God’s plan was finally going to come together. I tried believing, I really did, and it just didn’t speak to me. It didn’t feel like anything that my authentic self would really believe in.
But here’s the thing, I clung to my deep-rooted hippie belief systems just as much as I clung to the idea that a God might exist. I kid you not … I actually performed a candle holding cleansing ceremony over my uterus because some psychic told me to. I performed daily Reiki treatments on myself. I went to acupuncture at least once a week, sometimes twice if there was a full moon or I was about to inject myself with my trigger shot. I drank over a four to eight glasses of special fertility tea from a local herbalist everyday. I ate certain seeds depending on what part of the moon cycle we were in. I saw a psychic/medium on three separate occasions just to see if there was any paranormal insight into my womb. Did any of it work? Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. One psychic predicted three very specific points about my future pregnancy. I fell pregnant with Anderson two weeks after seeing her at a psychic fair. I am convinced she was the real deal.
If anything, I learned how to connect with my spiritual-self. I spent a great deal of time in meditation and inner reflection. I practice mindfulness and guided breathing. I haven’t even scratched the surface of what spirituality means to me, but I will get there one day. I am back in training to become a meditation teacher and hope that I will be able to show other women how meditation helped me become an infertility warrior.
Tell me below, what did you cling onto or what crazy things did you do when trying to conceive?