A letter to me
As we move toward 2019, I wanted to write a letter to my old self. Mostly just because I’m proud of how far we’ve come.
I'd like to say I’m sorry. But to be quite honest, I'm not. I’m not sorry because I wouldn’t be who I am today without our life experiences.
You’ll learn to love. Not in a one-sided way, but reciprocated, genuine love. You won’t love out of desperation for attention. You will love because you find an amazing life partner...you’ve still got quite a few sleepless nights of browsing dating apps to go through first, though.
Looking back on things now, you struggled with depression. You didn’t always have the strategies to deal with it. You stayed up late at night crying and feeling bad about yourself. You didn’t want to seek help. You thought you were fine because your thoughts weren’t “that serious”. You probably weren’t fine. I know you were depressed because those feelings still sometimes creep back when we’re having a bad day. But don’t worry, we have the coping strategies to get through it now (most of the time). We mostly ‘just’ have a touch of anxiety now.
Our struggle with food has always been a big one. In this photo you were at an all time low. But don’t fool yourself, you’re not healthy. We got pretty good at hiding not eating and counting every single calorie (even gum and Crystal Light). We binged sometimes. You drank some orange juice when you were feeling faint. We exercised a lot. Sometimes for hours. We worked off every one of those Crystal Light calories...plus a few more for good measure. We kind of have the opposite problem now, but I’ve got to admit it’s nice not being in a constant state of hunger. One day we’ll get back to exercising in a healthy way.
You loved this Fox sweater you’re wearing here so much and probably cried when we grew out of it. Along with all of our ‘skinny’ clothes. I can’t believe you literally thought you were the most obese person in the world in this stage of life.
On that note. Way to go. You messed up our hormones from crash dieting all the time and probably caused our infertility.
We had a miscarriage. I’m not telling you that so you’re scared of ever getting pregnant. I’m telling you that because I think it’d be good for you to be mentally prepared. Looking back, it’s a part of who we are. We’ve used it to help so many people and learned to feel a new kind of love.
You felt a lot of pressure to go to university just because you were smart. I don’t know how you managed to maintain a high 90’s average through high school, but you did it. If I could go back and do it again, I would’ve gone to college. College isn’t for stupid kids like you thought back then.
Thank you for saying no to drugs. We still haven’t tried them. Not even weed (we may try that in the future...hey, it’s legal now...but I promise we won’t smoke it, our lungs are spick and span).
Thank you for getting your partying out of the way when you were young. We got to settle down and start a family early and you’re killing it in the #bossbabe life right now.
Money isn’t everything. You think you need a job that pays six figures. You’ll learn quickly a job you hate isn’t worth sacrificing your mental health for. Nothing’s worth sacrificing your mental health for.
The biggest thing I wish you knew was how to be mindful and live in the moment. We still struggle with it today, but we’re trying to be more conscious of it.
P.S. STOP CRYING OVER THAT STUPID BOY
P.P.S. Actually, don’t. It probably taught you some good life lessons.